But Wait, There's More!
Updated: Sep 7, 2022
Jazzy Muzak blared as the happy-go-lucky host, David Veneral, stood in the TV studio kitchen. He wore a plaid dress shirt buttoned up to his neck, underneath a white and blue-striped apron, which bore the large letters “HBN”.
David smiled big, his teeth as polished as the shiny metal floor tiles that adorned the studio floors. He stared off into the distance for a brief moment, then swung his right arm enthusiastically forward with a hearty, “Hey-yooo!! And welcome here to the Home Buyer Network’s weekend special! Today, we’re going to be discussing a revolutionary product that you are just going to be blown away by! What do ya say folks??”
In front of David, a huge studio audience sat watching him. It was a diverse mixture of older and younger people from all over the world, who all sat smiling, applauding, and enthusiastically cheering David on as he pumped his fists into the air with a loud “YEAH!!”
Two teens, sitting next to each other in the front row, fist-bumped each other and let out a loud “WHOO!!” for David, who was lifting his hands up, motioning for his amped-up crowd to “raise the roof”.
David walked over and stood behind the kitchen island in the center of the prop kitchen, which was made up to look like it belonged to an upper class citizen who really spends a lot of time in the kitchen. All around David was every handy kitchen appliance and utensil you could possibly imagine. On top of the kitchen island was a box-shaped object covered by a white cloth.
The studio audience stared at this mysterious box with curiosity and “ooh-ed” audibly.
David straightened the collar on his shirt and pointed a finger in the air.
“Alright! So I’m sure you all are just dying to find out what we have in store for you today. But before we get started, I’m going to bring out my special guest and co-host, Valerie Wilkinson! Come on out Valerie!!”
The audience immediately roared to life; everyone in the crowd stood to cheer as from off-set, a woman in her mid-30s, sporting a stylish green jacket and blue jeans, came running into the kitchen. Valerie’s eyes sparkled with delight and her pearly white teeth glistened from the overhead studio lights.
The dazzling show host ran over to David, both of her arms outstretched, waving to the audience who cheered and shouted as if she were a famous pop star about to sing her latest hit single.
"Valerie, it’s so great to see you!” said David, as he welcomed Valerie into his open arms, and the two hugged each other.
“Oh my gosh David, it is so great to see you! Thank you so much for letting me join you today!!” said Valerie, throwing her hands into the air to emphasize every word she said. David laughed heartily.
“Oh gosh you betcha!! This is a very special occasion because today, we will be unveiling something nobody in this studio audience has ever seen before!!” said David, striking his hands in the air. Valerie’s eyes popped open wide with exaggerated curiosity.
“Wow, now that is SUPER exciting!” exclaimed Valerie. “I have a feeling you’re really going to wow some of these people today!!”
Every word that came out of David and Valerie’s lips was propelled forward with the energy of a twelve pack of Monster Energy Drinks blended into a pound of cocaine.
The studio audience all looked and whispered excitedly to one another, wondering what was about to be revealed to them.
David’s face wrinkled, ready to explode from the excitement contained within himself. He had to grab onto Valerie’s shoulder as a part of his containment process.
He then shouted right into Valerie’s face, “Do you think we should keep them in suspense any longer??”
Valerie’s eyebrows shot up and her mouth sprung into a grin wide enough to land a space shuttle in.
“Why, I think it’s prime time we let our fine audience know what is hiding underneath this cloth. You guys aren’t going to believe what we have for you today!!” Valerie said, veins bulging out both sides of her neck.
Valerie and David then both stared directly into each other's eyes.
“Ready? On three Valerie!!” said David.
The two of them grabbed onto the white cloth covering the box, then started counting out loud, starting with a loud: “One…”
The audience joined in as they said this. Each person in the audience leaned forward in their seats, one at a time.
An older man grabbed onto the arms of his chair and shook like he was preparing for a roller coaster that was nearing the top of an insanely massive hill.
Then- David, Valerie and the audience all said together, “Two….”
David and Valerie’s hands gripped the cover over the mysterious boxed product, hands shaking and pulling the sheet slightly, which slowly started to reveal what was hiding underneath.
Valerie stared at David with a wide-eyed manic smile. He turned to face her with an equally unhinged smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever been filled with such joy, and his heart was about to give out.
The two hosts gripped the white cloth like an ancient ritual. Then, after a moment that felt like an eternity…
The entire studio was dead silent.
David, Valerie, the audience, the camera guy, the director, everyone, was leaning forward in suspense. Even the phony Muzak in the background had stopped, complete with a comical record skip sound effect.
Every single member of the studio audience was on the literal edge of their seats, their butts sliding forward and about to hit the floor.
David and Valerie’s hands trembled as they tightly gripped the edges of the white sheet. David’s forehead dripped with warm, salty sweat. You could swear in this moment that time had literally slowed to a crawl.
Suddenly, David and Valerie yanked off the white sheet with a mighty SWOOP, revealing the mind-blowing product underneath:
It was a golden metal nonstick deep-fryer with a detachable vacuum and leaf blower combination hose, a glass measuring cup attachment, and multiple tubes sticking out of the device, pointing in all directions.
David and Valerie stood in front of this bizarre contraption, incapable of uttering any additional hype words. They could only just stand there, smiling wildly, while the camera zoomed in and out of the device over and over like a bad 70s sitcom.
David jumped and pumped his fists into the air as he shouted, “YES!!! Have you ever seen anything like it Valerie?!! It’s the Home Buyer’s Network Limited Edition Deep Frying Air Pump and Combination Vacuum and Leaf Blower, also known as the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000!!!”
The amazed host shouted every single word, forcing all of the air out from his lungs until the veins on the sides of his head popped out. His entire face turned beet red, and he looked like he was about to explode.
“CUT!!!” said the director of the commercial into a large megaphone, who ran in front of the camera wearing dark sunglasses and an expensive-looking Gucci suit and tie, waving his arms frantically.
“Cut cut CUT!!! That was an, okay first take everyone. But I need you all to really, and I mean really, get yourselves hyped up,” he explained.
The director stopped and turned his head slowly toward the opposite side of the studio.
“They… need more excitement.”
He stared at them, and they stared back, their massive bodies stiff; faces dead serious and devoid of emotion.
The director wasn’t sure how they were going to react next. He gulped audibly and quickly turned his gaze back to the audience, who were silent as can be.
The director then turned to David and Valerie, who both stood behind the kitchen island. David was out of breath from all the yelling, and leaned up against the kitchen island, clutching his chest and sweating profusely.
Concerned, Valerie reached into the industrial fridge behind them and pulled out a Home Buyer’s Network Kick-Ice Pure-rific Water Pitcher. She put the pitcher spout up to David’s lips and pressed a button on the side, which caused water to come pouring out into David’s mouth. He sucked down the water, exasperated, as if this was both his first and last time drinking water.
The studio audience sat in their seats murmuring to one another. Two large beefy bodyguards wearing dark sunglasses stood in front of the audience members, arms crossed, watching their every move.
Each person in the audience- young and old, every skin color- softly chatted with one another. If you really listened closely, you could hear various utterings like, “It’s okay, it’s okay” and “Everything is going to be fine” and “Are you sure you’re alright?” and “You don’t look alright” and “I wonder when we’re going to go home” and “I’m hungry” and “Are we ever going to be able to go home?” and “My body hurts”.
The director noticed all of this chitchat coming from the audience. He ran up to them, chest swelling and megaphone in hand, to remind them all why they were there.
“Alright that’s it- break it up all of you!!! We don’t need any of you getting comfortable now! I’m afraid they... were not very convinced with that first take. If we’re going to continue the show, we have GOT to see more enthusiasm!!”
The director shouted this into his megaphone at the audience, which only made their ears hurt, as they could perfectly hear him fine without the megaphone. The acoustics in the studio were top notch.
The director nervously turned his gaze from the audience to the opposite side of the studio.
He was not sure how much longer he could keep them at bay. Their longing for the utmost expression in mindless, capitalistic entertainment. A desire which could only be quenched by this obnoxious display of on-screen advertising.
Valerie continued to pour the cool water into David’s mouth, eyeing him with concern. She knew he’d been going about like this for days now. The eight hosts before David had already been mercilessly sacrificed due to their wavering display of energy.
David’s breaths finally slowed, and he was able to stand upright again. He leaned up against the kitchen island, the front of his plaid dress shirt covered with a mixture of sweat and splotches of water.
“You okay David?” Valerie said.
David put both of his hands on the counter and nodded solemnly.
The director turned his nose toward this scene, marched up to the kitchen island, and stood in front of Valerie and David. He set his megaphone down in front of the hosts and folded his arms.
“Alright, listen up! They really need you to start putting some effort into your presentation. I don’t want to have to tell any of you again!!” he told the duo.
The director paused and turned his head back, staring at them on the other side of the studio. The director’s eyes widened, glistening with panic and fear. He quickly looked away because they were staring, into the depths of his very soul.
The room was completely silent again, minus the low droning buzz of the studio lights.
Suddenly, a low rumbling sound shook the floor. The reverberations could be felt from beneath the bowels of the studio set.
They were watching, waiting, anticipating each and every move that followed.
They would make sure that the show continued the way that they wanted it to.
Or else there would be terrifying consequences. But not like before. There was going to be lots and lots of horrific, anguished bloodshed. The likes of which had never been seen before.
The director realized his mouth had gone completely dry. He smacked his lips together, letting saliva coat the inside of his mouth and tongue. He coughed fiercely and then turned back to face David and Valerie.
“Alright, you two. You really need to sell this next part! This is where you’re going to truly hype up our product, and I want you to use… Every fuckin’ molecule in your bodies to show just how fuckin’ excited you are about this goddamn Suckomatic bullshit. Or I swear to God… I won’t be able to protect you anymore.”
The director’s face turned grim and serious during these last two sentences, which was then followed by an uncomfortable moment of silence.
The ominous droning sound reverberated again in the distance as the audience shifted in their seats, hoping and praying to once again see the light of day.
David and Valerie both turned their heads to see where the rumbling was coming from. The director immediately shot both of his hands up furiously to block their vision.
“HEY!!! Please, don’t. Whatever you do… You need to stop. Pay no attention to the sounds. I beg of you…”
The director pleaded with them, his eyes welling up with tears, his body shuddering.
“Please listen to me…” he cried.
David quickly diverted his gaze, then nodded his head at the director. He then nodded at Valerie, who nodded back at him.
Finally, the director turned toward the studio audience, who were all sitting and watching intently, afraid of what was to come. He picked up the megaphone again and spoke to the audience whose attention he now had.
“Alright listen up, all of you. I really need you to get super amped up for this next part. We are going to discuss what this product does. And I need all of you, please, to just react like this is the most exciting fuckin' thing you’ve ever seen in your pathetic lives. Understand?!!”
The director shouted, then stared grimly at the audience, who quietly stared back. They nodded their heads in understanding.
David smiled at this and finally started to perk back up; he could feel his strength returning. He turned back to face Valerie and the director.
“Alright, let’s do this!”
The director nodded and burst into a grin, then grabbed his megaphone and turned to the studio audience.
“Alright—listen up everyone! We’re gonna start filming this next segment. Are you ready?!” he yelled at them.
The audience started to clap awkwardly. The director was not at all convinced.
“I said are all you goddamn fucking sons of bitches READY?!!!!!!!”
The director waved his arms in the air like a raving lunatic. He then threw his megaphone to the ground, which exploded and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces.
The audience immediately started to raise their voices and clap and cheer loudly.
The director raised his arms as the audience’s volume raised, soaking in the noise like a crazed conductor. A stage hand ran up to the director and handed over a replacement megaphone, which he quickly snatched away.
The director turned and pointed at the camera operator and said, “Ready Billie?”
Billie quickly put their headphones back on and looked into the camera monitor. They messed with the focus a bit, pressed a button, then turned the camera to face David and Valerie. Billie flashed them a thumbs up.
“Rolling!” Billie shouted.
David and Valerie nodded at each other, and they, as well as the audience, all collectively took in a deep breath.
The director, with an enthusiastic leap, bellowed out “ACTION!!” into his shiny new megaphone. Then, he held his breath.
David quickly looked up and stared into the camera with a wide smile, next to Valerie, who also stood smiling madly into the camera. Immediately, the audience exploded into a deafening roar. David had to shout to cut through the applause, but at that moment he knew they were safe.
“Welcome back!! Ladies and gentlemen, one and all. Boy, Valerie and I have a marvelous treat today for you. As you can tell from this gadget in my hands, it’s got a few tricks up its sleeve. Valerie, do you want to take it away?!” said David. He grinned and handed the device over to Valerie.
“It’s my pleasure David!!” she said with a smile so wide, her cheekbones swallowed her eyes.
Valerie grabbed the gadget by its shiny golden handle, which was attached to a golden metal basket-like device with tubes coming out of each end. At the end of each tube was an interchangeable nozzle, which could be swapped out for many purposes.
“I’m super excited to present to you the Home Buyer’s Network’s latest breakthrough in household technology, the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000!!!” exclaimed Valerie.
The audience let out a collective exaggerated “WOW!!” as Valerie thrust the device in the air like it was a winning trophy.
“I’ll bet you’re wondering what this thing does, right audience?!” said Valerie, glancing over at David with a cheeky smile in her eyes.
David nodded his head and smiled aggressively, not even looking at Valerie, but staring dead center into the camera.
“That’s right Valerie!! I want to know what the HECK this thing does, and why I should have one of these in my kitchen!!” David yelled as he thrust his right arm forward, pointing at the device.
Valerie jumped up in the literal air, kicking her legs back in response to David’s question.
“I’m SO glad you said that David!! This device is perfect for deep-frying all your favorite foods, but also serves as an all-in-one air fryer, potato slicer, high-pressured vacuum and combination leaf-blower! This baby can literally do it all, watch!!”
Valerie thrust the basket high into the air.
The audience gasped incredulously as Valerie pressed a button on the side of the golden basket, and instantly a bunch of steel, sharp-tipped knife blades shot out the front of the machine and immediately starting buzzing back and forth. Valerie then reached into a drawer beneath her and pulled out two pairs of safety goggles.
“I would recommend putting these on, because these steel-tipped blades are mighty fierce, and they will chop anything placed in front of it with the intensity of a thousand miles per second!!” yelled Valerie over the noise of the spinning blades. David laughed heartily, and both him and Valerie affixed the goggles in front of their eyes.
“It sure looks that way Valerie, haha!” said David, staring into the blades with unease.
“Watch this now!!” said Valerie.
Valerie reached a hand underneath the kitchen island in front of her and pulled out a large basket of golden russet potatoes, and set it down in front of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000. Valerie dumped the basket of potatoes upside down, and the potatoes scattered all over the kitchen counter.
Next, Valerie grabbed both handles on the device and started pushing the roaring blades into the pile of potatoes. The device immediately started slicing the potatoes into dozens of tiny, perfect, French fry-like pieces, while also causing hundreds of bits of potato peel to start spattering in the air.
The audience let out energetic and overly enthusiastic “OOHS” and “AHHS” as they all stared at this potato miracle in wonderment.
Two young women in the front row of the audience slapped their hands up to their mouths and looked at each other wildly and screamed, “Say what?!!”
An older man in the front row clutched his chest and fell out of his seat, his body hitting the ground and his legs shooting dramatically up in the air as he died of a heart attack.
A little girl, sitting next to her mom, ripped off her mother’s hair and revealed it to be a wig. The girl then stood up and swung the wig around and around in the air while screaming: ”WHOOOOOWHOOOOWHOOOOO!!!!!!”
At that moment, a husky, pitch-perfect narrator-like voice started blaring through the overhead studio speakers:
“You’re never going to have to worry about cutting up potatoes, or anything else again once you get your hands on the Home Buyer’s Network’s latest innovation! Introducing the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000! You’ll be able to slice, peel, chop, deep fry, air fry, suck and blow just about anything and everything!!”
Images of various people appeared on an overhead monitor doing things like deep frying French fries, air frying chicken tenders, vacuuming their carpet, blowing lawn clippings from their sidewalk, chopping up a block of ice, peeling zucchinis, and slicing bits of paper into thousands of tiny pieces.
David and Valerie both stood staring at the monitor with their arms folded. The audience stared up at the screen as well, dumbfounded and unable to process anything they were seeing.
When the video clip finally ended, David turned to Valerie, who was still holding the device by its two side handles.
“So, my only question is…” David said, eyes wide with desperation. “Can we get another live studio demonstration right now?!! I am just DYING to see this what else this thing can do!!!”
He yelled, then chuckled and adjusted his goggles.
Valerie raised the device high in the air and revved the motor.
“You betcha David!” said Valerie. “Watch this!!”
Valerie aimed at the sliced potatoes and pressed a different button on the side of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000.
A big yellow scoop popped out of the front of the device. Valerie aimed and pushed the scoop up beneath the sliced potatoes. She continued pushing the device forward, and then pressed a small red button near the right handle.
Immediately, the device burst to life and started sucking up the hundreds of sliced potatoes, which were then sucked into the glass-enclosed basket in the center of the device.
In a matter of mere seconds, the entire top of the kitchen island was spotless; the inside of the device was filled to the brim with the beautifully sliced golden potatoes. Valerie stared at the basket of fingerlike potato pieces and giggled with possessed delight.
“Now David, the next important question is, do you prefer deep fried French fries, or air fried French fries??”
David turned and looked at Valerie and scrunched his forehead. He started rubbing his chin exaggeratedly, like it was the first time in his life he had never had to make a decision.
“Hmmmmmmmm…. This is a toughie!!”
His eyes glazed over for a few moments. Then, after licking his lips, David said:
“I’m going to have to go with air fried! I’m trying to watch my figure, haha!!” he said, as he patted his huge belly, which was covered by his dress shirt that fit so tightly, it appeared that the buttons were going to explode into the air and destroy glass at any moment.
Valerie threw her head back and laughed at David’s remark like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard in her entire life.
“Alright!! Let’s go ahead and give the airfrying mode a go here!!”
Valerie lifted her hand up in the air, paused for dramatic effect, and then threw her arm down. She jammed her thumb down on a small blue button on the front of the device with a little air blowing icon on it.
The audience all clasped their hands to the sides of their faces, Home Alone-style, and let out a loud, collective “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Everyone in the studio waited eagerly to see what was going to happen next.
They continued to wait, and wait, and then…
Nothing happened next.
“No no no no no no no no no no… What is happening??” Valerie whispered. Immediately, she started sweating profusely.
She pressed the blue button a couple more