But Wait, There's More!

Jazzy Muzak blared as the happy-go-lucky host, David Veneral, stood in the TV studio kitchen. He wore a plaid dress shirt buttoned up to his neck, underneath a white and blue-striped apron, which bore the large letters “HBN”.

David smiled big, his teeth as polished as the shiny metal floor tiles that adorned the studio floors. He stared off into the distance for a brief moment, then swung his right arm enthusiastically forward with a hearty, “Hey-yooo!! And welcome here to the Home Buyer Network’s weekend special! Today, we’re going to be discussing a revolutionary product that you are just going to be blown away by! What do ya say folks??”

In front of David, a huge studio audience sat watching him. It was a diverse mixture of older and younger people from all over the world, who all sat smiling, applauding, and enthusiastically cheering David on as he pumped his fists into the air with a loud “YEAH!!”

Two teens, sitting next to each other in the front row, fist-bumped each other and let out a loud “WHOO!!” for David, who was lifting his hands up, motioning for his amped-up crowd to “raise the roof”.

David walked over and stood behind the kitchen island in the center of the prop kitchen, which was made up to look like it belonged to an upper class citizen who really spends a lot of time in the kitchen. All around David was every handy kitchen appliance and utensil you could possibly imagine. On top of the kitchen island was a box-shaped object covered by a white cloth.

The studio audience stared at this mysterious box with curiosity and “ooh-ed” audibly.

David straightened the collar on his shirt and pointed a finger in the air.

“Alright! So I’m sure you all are just dying to find out what we have in store for you today. But before we get started, I’m going to bring out my special guest and co-host, Valerie Wilkinson! Come on out Valerie!!”

The audience immediately roared to life; everyone in the crowd stood to cheer as from off-set, a woman in her mid-30s, sporting a stylish green jacket and blue jeans, came running into the kitchen. Valerie’s eyes sparkled with delight and her pearly white teeth glistened from the overhead studio lights.

The dazzling show host ran over to David, both of her arms outstretched, waving to the audience who cheered and shouted as if she were a famous pop star about to sing her latest hit single.

"Valerie, it’s so great to see you!” said David, as he welcomed Valerie into his open arms, and the two hugged each other.

“Oh my gosh David, it is so great to see you! Thank you so much for letting me join you today!!” said Valerie, throwing her hands into the air to emphasize every word she said. David laughed heartily.

“Oh gosh you betcha!! This is a very special occasion because today, we will be unveiling something nobody in this studio audience has ever seen before!!” said David, striking his hands in the air. Valerie’s eyes popped open wide with exaggerated curiosity.

“Wow, now that is SUPER exciting!” exclaimed Valerie. “I have a feeling you’re really going to wow some of these people today!!”

Every word that came out of David and Valerie’s lips was propelled forward with the energy of a twelve pack of Monster Energy Drinks blended into a pound of cocaine.

The studio audience all looked and whispered excitedly to one another, wondering what was about to be revealed to them.

David’s face wrinkled, ready to explode from the excitement contained within himself. He had to grab onto Valerie’s shoulder as a part of his containment process.

He then shouted right into Valerie’s face, “Do you think we should keep them in suspense any longer??”

Valerie’s eyebrows shot up and her mouth sprung into a grin wide enough to land a space shuttle in.

“Why, I think it’s prime time we let our fine audience know what is hiding underneath this cloth. You guys aren’t going to believe what we have for you today!!” Valerie said, veins bulging out both sides of her neck.

Valerie and David then both stared directly into each other's eyes.

“Ready? On three Valerie!!” said David.

The two of them grabbed onto the white cloth covering the box, then started counting out loud, starting with a loud: “One…”

The audience joined in as they said this. Each person in the audience leaned forward in their seats, one at a time.

An older man grabbed onto the arms of his chair and shook like he was preparing for a roller coaster that was nearing the top of an insanely massive hill.

Then- David, Valerie and the audience all said together, “Two….”

David and Valerie’s hands gripped the cover over the mysterious boxed product, hands shaking and pulling the sheet slightly, which slowly started to reveal what was hiding underneath.

Valerie stared at David with a wide-eyed manic smile. He turned to face her with an equally unhinged smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever been filled with such joy, and his heart was about to give out.

The two hosts gripped the white cloth like an ancient ritual. Then, after a moment that felt like an eternity…

The entire studio was dead silent.

David, Valerie, the audience, the camera guy, the director, everyone, was leaning forward in suspense. Even the phony Muzak in the background had stopped, complete with a comical record skip sound effect.

Every single member of the studio audience was on the literal edge of their seats, their butts sliding forward and about to hit the floor.

David and Valerie’s hands trembled as they tightly gripped the edges of the white sheet. David’s forehead dripped with warm, salty sweat. You could swear in this moment that time had literally slowed to a crawl.

Suddenly, David and Valerie yanked off the white sheet with a mighty SWOOP, revealing the mind-blowing product underneath:

It was a golden metal nonstick deep-fryer with a detachable vacuum and leaf blower combination hose, a glass measuring cup attachment, and multiple tubes sticking out of the device, pointing in all directions.

David and Valerie stood in front of this bizarre contraption, incapable of uttering any additional hype words. They could only just stand there, smiling wildly, while the camera zoomed in and out of the device over and over like a bad 70s sitcom.

David jumped and pumped his fists into the air as he shouted, “YES!!! Have you ever seen anything like it Valerie?!! It’s the Home Buyer’s Network Limited Edition Deep Frying Air Pump and Combination Vacuum and Leaf Blower, also known as the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000!!!”

The amazed host shouted every single word, forcing all of the air out from his lungs until the veins on the sides of his head popped out. His entire face turned beet red, and he looked like he was about to explode.

-

-

-

“CUT!!!” said the director of the commercial into a large megaphone, who ran in front of the camera wearing dark sunglasses and an expensive-looking Gucci suit and tie, waving his arms frantically.

“Cut cut CUT!!! That was an, okay first take everyone. But I need you all to really, and I mean really, get yourselves hyped up,” he explained.

The director stopped and turned his head slowly toward the opposite side of the studio.

“They… need more excitement.”

He stared at them, and they stared back, their massive bodies stiff; faces dead serious and devoid of emotion.

The director wasn’t sure how they were going to react next. He gulped audibly and quickly turned his gaze back to the audience, who were silent as can be.

The director then turned to David and Valerie, who both stood behind the kitchen island. David was out of breath from all the yelling, and leaned up against the kitchen island, clutching his chest and sweating profusely.

Concerned, Valerie reached into the industrial fridge behind them and pulled out a Home Buyer’s Network Kick-Ice Pure-rific Water Pitcher. She put the pitcher spout up to David’s lips and pressed a button on the side, which caused water to come pouring out into David’s mouth. He sucked down the water, exasperated, as if this was both his first and last time drinking water.

The studio audience sat in their seats murmuring to one another. Two large beefy bodyguards wearing dark sunglasses stood in front of the audience members, arms crossed, watching their every move.

Each person in the audience- young and old, every skin color- softly chatted with one another. If you really listened closely, you could hear various utterings like, “It’s okay, it’s okay” and “Everything is going to be fine” and “Are you sure you’re alright?” and “You don’t look alright” and “I wonder when we’re going to go home” and “I’m hungry” and “Are we ever going to be able to go home?” and “My body hurts”.

The director noticed all of this chitchat coming from the audience. He ran up to them, chest swelling and megaphone in hand, to remind them all why they were there.

“Alright that’s it- break it up all of you!!! We don’t need any of you getting comfortable now! I’m afraid they... were not very convinced with that first take. If we’re going to continue the show, we have GOT to see more enthusiasm!!”

The director shouted this into his megaphone at the audience, which only made their ears hurt, as they could perfectly hear him fine without the megaphone. The acoustics in the studio were top notch.

The director nervously turned his gaze from the audience to the opposite side of the studio.

He was not sure how much longer he could keep them at bay. Their longing for the utmost expression in mindless, capitalistic entertainment. A desire which could only be quenched by this obnoxious display of on-screen advertising.

Valerie continued to pour the cool water into David’s mouth, eyeing him with concern. She knew he’d been going about like this for days now. The eight hosts before David had already been mercilessly sacrificed due to their wavering display of energy.

David’s breaths finally slowed, and he was able to stand upright again. He leaned up against the kitchen island, the front of his plaid dress shirt covered with a mixture of sweat and splotches of water.

“You okay David?” Valerie said.

David put both of his hands on the counter and nodded solemnly.

The director turned his nose toward this scene, marched up to the kitchen island, and stood in front of Valerie and David. He set his megaphone down in front of the hosts and folded his arms.

“Alright, listen up! They really need you to start putting some effort into your presentation. I don’t want to have to tell any of you again!!” he told the duo.

The director paused and turned his head back, staring at them on the other side of the studio. The director’s eyes widened, glistening with panic and fear. He quickly looked away because they were staring, into the depths of his very soul.

The room was completely silent again, minus the low droning buzz of the studio lights.

Suddenly, a low rumbling sound shook the floor. The reverberations could be felt from beneath the bowels of the studio set.

They were watching, waiting, anticipating each and every move that followed.

They would make sure that the show continued the way that they wanted it to.

Or else there would be terrifying consequences. But not like before. There was going to be lots and lots of horrific, anguished bloodshed. The likes of which had never been seen before.

The director realized his mouth had gone completely dry. He smacked his lips together, letting saliva coat the inside of his mouth and tongue. He coughed fiercely and then turned back to face David and Valerie.

“Alright, you two. You really need to sell this next part! This is where you’re going to truly hype up our product, and I want you to use… Every fuckin’ molecule in your bodies to show just how fuckin’ excited you are about this goddamn Suckomatic bullshit. Or I swear to God… I won’t be able to protect you anymore.”

The director’s face turned grim and serious during these last two sentences, which was then followed by an uncomfortable moment of silence.

The ominous droning sound reverberated again in the distance as the audience shifted in their seats, hoping and praying to once again see the light of day.

David and Valerie both turned their heads to see where the rumbling was coming from. The director immediately shot both of his hands up furiously to block their vision.

“HEY!!! Please, don’t. Whatever you do… You need to stop. Pay no attention to the sounds. I beg of you…”

The director pleaded with them, his eyes welling up with tears, his body shuddering.

“Please listen to me…” he cried.

David quickly diverted his gaze, then nodded his head at the director. He then nodded at Valerie, who nodded back at him.

Finally, the director turned toward the studio audience, who were all sitting and watching intently, afraid of what was to come. He picked up the megaphone again and spoke to the audience whose attention he now had.

“Alright listen up, all of you. I really need you to get super amped up for this next part. We are going to discuss what this product does. And I need all of you, please, to just react like this is the most exciting fuckin' thing you’ve ever seen in your pathetic lives. Understand?!!”

The director shouted, then stared grimly at the audience, who quietly stared back. They nodded their heads in understanding.

David smiled at this and finally started to perk back up; he could feel his strength returning. He turned back to face Valerie and the director.

“Alright, let’s do this!”

The director nodded and burst into a grin, then grabbed his megaphone and turned to the studio audience.

“Alright—listen up everyone! We’re gonna start filming this next segment. Are you ready?!” he yelled at them.

The audience started to clap awkwardly. The director was not at all convinced.

“I said are all you goddamn fucking sons of bitches READY?!!!!!!!”

The director waved his arms in the air like a raving lunatic. He then threw his megaphone to the ground, which exploded and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces.

The audience immediately started to raise their voices and clap and cheer loudly.

The director raised his arms as the audience’s volume raised, soaking in the noise like a crazed conductor. A stage hand ran up to the director and handed over a replacement megaphone, which he quickly snatched away.

The director turned and pointed at the camera operator and said, “Ready Billie?”

Billie quickly put their headphones back on and looked into the camera monitor. They messed with the focus a bit, pressed a button, then turned the camera to face David and Valerie. Billie flashed them a thumbs up.

“Rolling!” Billie shouted.

David and Valerie nodded at each other, and they, as well as the audience, all collectively took in a deep breath.

The director, with an enthusiastic leap, bellowed out “ACTION!!” into his shiny new megaphone. Then, he held his breath.

-

-

-

David quickly looked up and stared into the camera with a wide smile, next to Valerie, who also stood smiling madly into the camera. Immediately, the audience exploded into a deafening roar. David had to shout to cut through the applause, but at that moment he knew they were safe.

“Welcome back!! Ladies and gentlemen, one and all. Boy, Valerie and I have a marvelous treat today for you. As you can tell from this gadget in my hands, it’s got a few tricks up its sleeve. Valerie, do you want to take it away?!” said David. He grinned and handed the device over to Valerie.

“It’s my pleasure David!!” she said with a smile so wide, her cheekbones swallowed her eyes.

Valerie grabbed the gadget by its shiny golden handle, which was attached to a golden metal basket-like device with tubes coming out of each end. At the end of each tube was an interchangeable nozzle, which could be swapped out for many purposes.

“I’m super excited to present to you the Home Buyer’s Network’s latest breakthrough in household technology, the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000!!!” exclaimed Valerie.

The audience let out a collective exaggerated “WOW!!” as Valerie thrust the device in the air like it was a winning trophy.

“I’ll bet you’re wondering what this thing does, right audience?!” said Valerie, glancing over at David with a cheeky smile in her eyes.

David nodded his head and smiled aggressively, not even looking at Valerie, but staring dead center into the camera.

“That’s right Valerie!! I want to know what the HECK this thing does, and why I should have one of these in my kitchen!!” David yelled as he thrust his right arm forward, pointing at the device.

Valerie jumped up in the literal air, kicking her legs back in response to David’s question.

“I’m SO glad you said that David!! This device is perfect for deep-frying all your favorite foods, but also serves as an all-in-one air fryer, potato slicer, high-pressured vacuum and combination leaf-blower! This baby can literally do it all, watch!!”

Valerie thrust the basket high into the air.

The audience gasped incredulously as Valerie pressed a button on the side of the golden basket, and instantly a bunch of steel, sharp-tipped knife blades shot out the front of the machine and immediately starting buzzing back and forth. Valerie then reached into a drawer beneath her and pulled out two pairs of safety goggles.

“I would recommend putting these on, because these steel-tipped blades are mighty fierce, and they will chop anything placed in front of it with the intensity of a thousand miles per second!!” yelled Valerie over the noise of the spinning blades. David laughed heartily, and both him and Valerie affixed the goggles in front of their eyes.

“It sure looks that way Valerie, haha!” said David, staring into the blades with unease.

“Watch this now!!” said Valerie.

Valerie reached a hand underneath the kitchen island in front of her and pulled out a large basket of golden russet potatoes, and set it down in front of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000. Valerie dumped the basket of potatoes upside down, and the potatoes scattered all over the kitchen counter.

Next, Valerie grabbed both handles on the device and started pushing the roaring blades into the pile of potatoes. The device immediately started slicing the potatoes into dozens of tiny, perfect, French fry-like pieces, while also causing hundreds of bits of potato peel to start spattering in the air.

The audience let out energetic and overly enthusiastic “OOHS” and “AHHS” as they all stared at this potato miracle in wonderment.

Two young women in the front row of the audience slapped their hands up to their mouths and looked at each other wildly and screamed, “Say what?!!”

An older man in the front row clutched his chest and fell out of his seat, his body hitting the ground and his legs shooting dramatically up in the air as he died of a heart attack.

A little girl, sitting next to her mom, ripped off her mother’s hair and revealed it to be a wig. The girl then stood up and swung the wig around and around in the air while screaming: ”WHOOOOOWHOOOOWHOOOOO!!!!!!”

At that moment, a husky, pitch-perfect narrator-like voice started blaring through the overhead studio speakers:

“You’re never going to have to worry about cutting up potatoes, or anything else again once you get your hands on the Home Buyer’s Network’s latest innovation! Introducing the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000! You’ll be able to slice, peel, chop, deep fry, air fry, suck and blow just about anything and everything!!”

Images of various people appeared on an overhead monitor doing things like deep frying French fries, air frying chicken tenders, vacuuming their carpet, blowing lawn clippings from their sidewalk, chopping up a block of ice, peeling zucchinis, and slicing bits of paper into thousands of tiny pieces.

David and Valerie both stood staring at the monitor with their arms folded. The audience stared up at the screen as well, dumbfounded and unable to process anything they were seeing.

When the video clip finally ended, David turned to Valerie, who was still holding the device by its two side handles.

“So, my only question is…” David said, eyes wide with desperation. “Can we get another live studio demonstration right now?!! I am just DYING to see this what else this thing can do!!!”

He yelled, then chuckled and adjusted his goggles.

Valerie raised the device high in the air and revved the motor.

“You betcha David!” said Valerie. “Watch this!!”

Valerie aimed at the sliced potatoes and pressed a different button on the side of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000.

A big yellow scoop popped out of the front of the device. Valerie aimed and pushed the scoop up beneath the sliced potatoes. She continued pushing the device forward, and then pressed a small red button near the right handle.

Immediately, the device burst to life and started sucking up the hundreds of sliced potatoes, which were then sucked into the glass-enclosed basket in the center of the device.

In a matter of mere seconds, the entire top of the kitchen island was spotless; the inside of the device was filled to the brim with the beautifully sliced golden potatoes. Valerie stared at the basket of fingerlike potato pieces and giggled with possessed delight.

“Now David, the next important question is, do you prefer deep fried French fries, or air fried French fries??”

David turned and looked at Valerie and scrunched his forehead. He started rubbing his chin exaggeratedly, like it was the first time in his life he had never had to make a decision.

“Hmmmmmmmm…. This is a toughie!!”

His eyes glazed over for a few moments. Then, after licking his lips, David said:

“I’m going to have to go with air fried! I’m trying to watch my figure, haha!!” he said, as he patted his huge belly, which was covered by his dress shirt that fit so tightly, it appeared that the buttons were going to explode into the air and destroy glass at any moment.

Valerie threw her head back and laughed at David’s remark like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard in her entire life.

“Alright!! Let’s go ahead and give the airfrying mode a go here!!”

Valerie lifted her hand up in the air, paused for dramatic effect, and then threw her arm down. She jammed her thumb down on a small blue button on the front of the device with a little air blowing icon on it.

The audience all clasped their hands to the sides of their faces, Home Alone-style, and let out a loud, collective “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Everyone in the studio waited eagerly to see what was going to happen next.

They continued to wait, and wait, and then…

Nothing.

Nothing happened next.

“No no no no no no no no no no… What is happening??” Valerie whispered. Immediately, she started sweating profusely.

She pressed the blue button a couple more times.

David stared, his eyes open and mouth shut tight in disbelief.

No no no no no no no no, not again not again… Valerie thought to herself with horror.

She knew it wouldn’t be long at all before they were all doomed.

-

-

-

The director furiously jumped out of his director’s chair and ran into the prop kitchen, waving his arms frantically.

“CUT! Cut!! We need our prop guy immediately! PROP GUY GET THE FUCK OVER HERE NOW!!!” the director screamed, face red and veins bulging out both sides of his neck.

A short, stubby fellow wearing a green dress shirt and grey golf hat came running out of a just-opened door near the side of the studio. The prop guy carried a toolbox in one hand and a bucket full of metallic parts in his other hand.

The director stood next to David and Valerie, tapping his foot aggressively on the floor. He chewed his fingernails and nervously glanced over at the other side of the studio, fear glistening in his eyes.

He turned his head back to the prop guy who made his way over to the kitchen set.

“Alright you asshole, HURRY UP AND FIX THIS FUCKING THING!!!!!!!”

The sweaty prop guy ran up to Valerie, who stood holding the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000, and took it from her hands. His hands shook as he set the device down on the kitchen counter, then opened up his toolbox. He grabbed a handful of tools from inside and set them on the counter as well.

Using a wrench to pry open a side panel on the side of the device, the prop guy tried not to notice as the director’s eyes burned a hole into the side of his face.

“Come, on!!!” the director whispered aggressively, leaning right up against the prop guy, who was drenched with sweat and trying to work as fast as he could.

Very slightly, the low rumbling started again from beneath the studio.

No no no…Not again. Please, anything but that again… the director prayed hard to himself. He then screamed at the prop guy again.

“You need to work FASTER!!!!! I’m begging you…”

Tears welled up in the director’s eyes. He could only hope and pray that the prop guy would be able to fix the device again.

The low rumbling sound continued, shaking the ground beneath David and Valerie’s feet. They gulped and slowly turned their heads, as well as everyone else in the studio, over to the other side of the studio…

They were watching them right back with their giant, empty, lifeless eyes.

The director stared with dread and horror as the prop guy scrambled to figure out why the device had stopped working again.

The director knew he had to do something, and something fast. He whipped over to face David and Valerie.

“Alright listen you two… I need you, when this thing is up and running, to really sell the fucking shit out of this goddamn fuckin' air fryer. If you don’t.....…”

The director shuddered and closed his eyes for a moment.

“I won’t be able to stop them from torturing us for all eternity.”

The director grabbed David and Valerie by the arms, gripping them desperately.

“Do, you, understand me??” he whispered aggressively to them, his eyes dripping with tears.

“I need you, the both of you, please..... Offer something great to our audience. Some kind of bonus offer. Anything..."

The director turned to face the studio audience once more.

“Studio audience. I’m begging all of you here… To show a level of enthusiasm that you never even thought fucking possible.”

The rumbling sound continued, and a low guttural hum echoed from beyond the studio walls. The humming sound caused the director to shake and sputter and cough up blood.

The director leaned over the railing separating himself and the studio audience, and stared at them.

“I need, all of you assholes… to fucking go fucking nuts. Do. You. UNDER. STAND?!!” the director spat at them, his mouth dripping with bloody saliva.

The audience members all immediately started shaking their heads yes and giving the director a nervous thumbs up.

At that same moment, the prop guy jumped up in front of the kitchen island.

“I did it!!!!!!”

He was finally able to reconnect the air basket to the vacuum hose using his plyers. The Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000 roared back to life!

“We’re ready to go sir!!” the prop guy uttered enthusiastically, clapping his hands together.

David and Valerie and the studio audience all exchanged relieved looks and breathed a collective sigh of relief. Even the director was smiling now; an unhinged smile, but a smile still.

“Oh thank God…Thank you so much prop guy, you saved the day!!” the director said, giving the prop guy a pat on the back, who flashed an “aw shucks” grin and rubbed his hands together.

“NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the director screamed, who then proceeded to kick the prop guy in the literal ass over and over and over.

The prop guy hollered and ran away from the studio kitchen set, leaving his set of tools behind.

The director adjusted his baseball cap, turned and faced Billie the camera operator, and pointed at them to start rolling.

“Alright everyone, we’re back in business!! Let’s get this fucking shit rolling! Now… ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the director screamed spittles of blood at David and Valerie.

-

-

-

“Annnnnnnd we’re back ladies and germs!!” David said into the camera, his face springing back to super cheerful camera mode.

Valerie held the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000 in her hands and laughed hysterically.

“Wouldn’t you believe just how lightweight this thing is?? I almost don’t even realize I’m holding it!!!” said Valerie, whose entire body seemed to be leaning forward by the weight of the device.

The entire front row of the audiences’ eyes bugged completely out of their eye sockets, complete with cartoonish BOIIIYOINGGGG!! sound effects - one of the women sitting near the front row had an aneurysm and died on the spot – an older African American man did a quadruple-take, rubbed his eyes, and did a triple backflip into the air behind him, catapulting his body over six rows of chairs filled with gasping people, who all shouted phrases in amazement such as “WOW!!” and “OH MY GOODNESS!!” and “I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!!!” - and one of the young men in the crowd was so incredibly amazed by this display that he literally exploded into mini nuke-like mushroom clouds, which temporarily blinded the entire studio with a brilliant white flash and made everyone's hearing go out for several moments.

David reached over the counter and snatched the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000 from Valerie's hands, pressed the “on” button, and then bellowed at the top of his lungs like a madman.

He raised the device over his head like Leatherface at the end of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre— stomping his feet on the faux kitchen floor and shrieking with insane delight.

The blades protruding from the device spun and whirred rapidly, emitting a high-pitched screeching sound.

The crazed host yelled again and again, and then tilted the device upwards, which caused the device to smash into the bright fluorescent lights above the kitchen set. The glass from the lights instantly exploded into thousands of tiny pieces, which sliced into the air across the studio and slit the director’s throat. He fell out of his chair and his face hit the ground with a sickening crack. He lied on the floor of the studio, twitching as blood gushed out of his split skull and covered the white floor tiles in brilliant crimson.

David screamed as the shards of glass also exploded into his open eyes and mouth, which caused him to choke and stumble forward. He jerked his arms up, which caused the device to smack against the counter, knocking it backwards. The dozens of jagged, spinning blades began shredding into the tip of his large nose, immediately slicing it into hundreds of bloody paper-thin slices which splattered in the air.

David screamed again and slipped forward and fell futher into the device, which proceeded to grind the rest of his face down by the sharp spinning blades all the way down to the skull, causing his head to sputter and jerk around rapidly.

Next, the audience screamed in horror as they watched David’s face transform into a splattery, spinning, bloody mass of fleshy pulp and gory bone matter.

As this happened, Valerie just stared bug-eyed, her body unmoving. She was mesmerized by the scene, physically incapable of movements that could have helped David avoid his demise.

Finally, David’s legs gave out and his pulpy shredded body and skull slid onto the kitchen counter, cracking in half with a sickly splat.

A split second later, a projectile of thick blood gushed out of the top of David’s head, shooting across the counter like a geyser. The stream of blood splattered the first five rows of audience members directly in the face, drenching them in David’s gory matter.

Snapping out her her daze, Valerie started screaming and grabbed onto David’s legs, which were flailing about in the air as the device turned his upper torso into bloodied mincemeat.

As she held onto the legs, Valerie shook and shrieked as his body repeatedly slid to the right an inch at a time, and then slid all the way back to the left in one long swoop. While this happened, the stock sound effect of a lawn sprinkler going back and forth played comically, with David’s blood exploding out at the audience members in the exact same manner that a sprinkler squirts out water.

The audience members finally all screamed and started jumping out of their seats, flailing their arms and running as fast as they could down the side aisles. They had finally seen enough; they needed to escape this godforsaken set. Their lives depended on it.

A bunch of the audience members rushed to get to the stairs at the same time. They screamed as they all started bumping and crashing into each other; their bodies dropped and rolled down the long flight of stairs leading to the studio floor.

The rest of the audience started tripping and sliding as well, and most of them soon found themselves sprawled out in a pile on the slick metal studio floor tiles.

An elderly couple, still making their way down the stairs, tripped and bumped into each other, which caused them both to lose balance. They fell down a few steps and hit the railing, which caused both of their bodies to fly over the railing and drop down thirty feet. Both of their arms and legs shattered as they hit the ground, causing their splintered bone fragments to explode violently through the air and slice into the couple’s eyes and throats. They gasped and sputtered as they hit the ground and quickly bled to death.

Valerie picked up what was left of David’s legs and pushed them aside, then quickly snatched up the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000 out of David’s bloodied, dead hands.

She cranked the side dial up to the highest setting, which right away caused the oil inside the device to begin sizzling and bubbling. Within seconds, the oil had reached a boiling temperature.

Valerie then pressed another button on the side of the device, causing the top of the device to expand into a foot-wide opening.

With a crazed look in her eyes, Valerie grabbed one of the bloodied chunks of David’s torso and jammed it into the device; his flesh immediately started crackling and sizzling. Within mere seconds, David’s body chunk had been transformed into a crispy, meaty hunk of goldenbrowned perfection.

Valerie cackled and laughed as she grabbed a lever on the right side of the kitchen counter, and yanked it down so hard, it broke off in her hands.

The audience members, who stood staring in disbelief at the carnage unfolding in front of them, didn’t even have a chance to blink as the metal floor tiles beneath their feet dropped away, revealing an impossibly dark and empty bottomless pit.

Valerie laughed hysterically and let go of the lever, then watched as every single audience member began sliding down the tiles and disappearing into the pit. Each one of them screamed in terror as they fell into the blackness of the infinite abyss beneath them. Their cries, which echoed from within the depths of the bottomless pit, grew fainter and fainter as they fell to their eventual deaths.

A few of the audience members were unfortunately still alive, desperately trying to hang onto the edges of the pit and avoid joining the others. Valerie cackled wildly again, and then grabbed onto the lever and pulled it back and forth repeatedly.

The metal floor tiles opened and shut, over and over and over, which sliced the remaining audience members’ arms completely off.

The rest of their bodies fell into the pit; they gushed blood and screamed in agony the whole way down. Their arms stayed up in the air, comically being juggled in place by the fast opening and closing floor tiles.

Next, Valerie turned and faced the camera directly, her face and stylish green shirt splattered with blackened blood and chunks of pulpy matter. She laughed uncontrollably, snorting like a hog about to devour a schoolyard full of children.

“Now, let’s see how our meal turned out!!!” Valerie said, as she reached her arm down into the boiling hot oil of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000, which immediately turned her arm into a crispy fried abomination. She pulled out the rest of David’s equally crispy and fried body part from the bubbling, hot oil.

Valerie, her eyes bloodied and devoid of humanity, lifted David’s tender crispy body chunk up to her mouth and took a big bite, which was mostly just crispy plaid shirt, apron, and bubbling fat.

Then, she put her right arm up her mouth, growled and bit into her arm, ripping out a huge chunk of muscle, exposing the bone beneath.

Valerie chewed this forbidden meat many times and let out an exaggerated “MMMMMMMM!!!” as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Chunks of her own arm dripped down her bloodied teeth.

The audience members’ ever-so-slowly fading screams could still be heard from within the depths of the bottomless pit, although at this point it was more like the ghost of their echoes.

Valerie turned and looked at the camera again and grinned; her hair a crazed mess, her outfit bloodied and ruined, her right arm a bloody fried chunk of Kentucky Fried Fucked-Up Human.

Without blinking or any other movement, Valerie turned the knob on the Air-matic Frysuckulus Whatever-The-Fuck-It's-Called past its highest setting, which caused the knob to snap right off.

The blades at the end of the device turned back on and started spinning faster and faster than they ever had before. The high-pitched squeals of the spinning blades emitted such a high-pitched frequency that it caused all of the lights in the studio to spontaneously explode, plunging the scene into near-darkness.

Every piece of glass China and dishware in the vicinity had disintegrated into a giant cloud of glass dust, which rained over the set like snow on Christmas morning.

Valerie, snorting and cackling, climbed on top of the kitchen island, still not breaking eye contact with the camera.

She grabbed onto the camera lens and shouted, her eyes bleeding and unhinged, “But wait…THERE’S MORE!!!”

With zero hesitation she dove headfirst- her arms stretched out like the perfect nosedive of an Olympic swimmer- into the dozens and dozens of indestructible Scandinavian serrated stainless steel blades of the Air-tastic Frymatic Blowsuckulus 9000.

Valerie’s hands were immediately ground into liquid, followed by the rest of her arms,

shoulders, head, chest, upper torso, and then legs. Within seconds, she was pureed into a perfectly pulpy mixture of bloody shredded wet bone, muscle matter and splattered organs.

There was a faint smell of smoke in the air; suddenly the device, along with Valerie and the rest of everyone's corpses, exploded into a giant fireball, which caused the entire room to be filled with wet blood and intense flames.

The cherry on top came as the last bit of Valerie’s blood splattered directly onto the lens of the studio camera, which covered it in deep crimson red, and bringing the scene to an end.

-

-

-

An overweight man, wearing a greasy white t-shirt and stretched-out black sweatpants, sits reclined in a La-Z-Boy chair, in front of a television set.

On top of his large belly is a bunch of empty, crumbled potato chip bags. His entire body, the chair, and the floor are all covered in chip crumbs.

This man stares at the TV screen, watching Valerie’s body explode into a shower of gloriously gory madness.

The man continues to stare at the TV screen, then lets out a big, long yawn, followed by smacking his lips a few times.

He stretches his arms and legs, then clears his throat loud and obnoxiously.

Onscreen, the Air-matic Frytastic Blowsuckulus 9000 logo appears over the horrific studio set composed of scattered bloodied chunks and fire-blazed machinery. A 1-800 number appears flashing on screen, and a narrator starts begging for the viewers to “Call now!!!"

The man picks up his remote control, and looks at the screen. He takes in a deep breath, pondering everything he has witnessed during the last hour.

“Meh.”

He lifts up the remote and clicks the “Power Off” button.

THE END.